Holly and her son Casey
Holly
Single parent because: Personal Choice
Number of children and ages: 1, Casey- 4 1/2
Number of years as a single parent: 4
Single parent age: 26
At what age did you become a single parent? 22
Do you plan on having more children, if so, at what time do you plan to add to your family? Yes, I am having one more now.
What are the largest struggles you have as a parent? Financial and Time
Do you believe you are at an advantage/disadvantage as a single parent compared to co-parents? There are both advantages and disadvantages. The fact that I can raise him on my own, how I want to, makes things a lot easier than fighting with someone about it. One disadvantage is seeing my son see his friends with their dads and wondering where his is. Also, never getting much of a break when I need one and having to work more than I would if I wasn't a single parent are also disadvantages.
How do you balance your work/school/social life along with your role as a parent? My social life is pretty much non-existent. My job seems to be working well for now, but I think when my son starts school it will become a little more difficult.
What are some techniques you have utilized for time management? I just try to spend as much time with him as I can. When I have to clean, I let him help, and when I go to pay bills or things like that, I take him with. I try to make up for the hours that I am gone working.
What is your support structure like? Do family and friends have a major role in your life? Yes they do have a major role. They are always there to help out when I need them.
Does the other parent have a role in your child’s life? No
What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Everything!!
Have you or your children encountered any bias or prejudice stemming from being a single parent? How do you handle it? Yes. There are some old fashioned people I have met who have said things about it. I just ignore it.
What are your tips for other single parents? I would just say to do the best you can; its really not as hard as it seems. There are times where things will seem overwhelming but never give up. They will get better.
Before you were a single parent did you have any preconceived ideas about single parents? If so, what were they? Now that you are a single parent were those ideas correct? How so? Yes, I thought that being a single parent would be really hard and that they were all living off of welfare. I didn’t assume that in a negative way, I thought that would be their only choice. I was completely wrong. It is actually easier than I thought it would be and I do not live off of welfare, although I know a lot of single people who do.
Shelly
Single parent because: Geographically single. My husband is in the military and is deployed for a year. I don’t consider myself single, but the parenting is definitely all my responsibility during deployments.
Number of children and ages: I have 8 children.
Number of years as a single parent: Three years out of the last 7 1/2 years. My husband has been away approximately 1 out of every 3 years.
Single parent age: 34
Do you believe you are at an advantage/disadvantage as a single parent compared to co-parents? I have a lot more responsibilities than the average mother of a large family. My oldest children help with these responsibilities. It’s definitely a
disadvantage to have only one parent who has all the daily parenting responsibilities.
What are some techniques you have utilized for time management? I have a home management notebook and calendar where I try to keep important information; I have a schedule or routine that I post for myself and my children. Time management
doesn’t come naturally to me, so I really have to work to get places on time. Things as simple as wearing a watch, or setting timers to remind me of naptimes or nighttime routines really help me a lot.
Also, sometimes it’s necessary to pay for the support I need. I have hired a housekeeper and/or paid for a babysitter once a week or every other week during some of my husband’s deployments.
What are your tips for other single parents? Don’t beat yourself up if you feel inadequate; parenting is hard work, and even more so when you have all the responsibilities yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Also, try to find time to yourself now and then to recharge your batteries. And find opportunities to slow down and enjoy your child(ren); find something you enjoy doing with them and make time for that regularly.
Mary
Single parent because: I decided to adopt a baby on my own.
Number of children: one boy, adopted at age 3 months and now 10 years old.
Single parent age: 59
At what age did you become a single parent? At age 49.
What were the biggest struggles you had as a parent? All the usual struggles, the single biggest one is about never, ever having a moment away from the child for respite. It also means that you have to have extreme control over your emotions, because you cannot take a walk around the block to cool down – there is no one to take over for you while you’re gone.
Did you believe you were at an advantage or disadvantage as a single parent compared to co-parents? All the chores are on you, all the thinking through of consequences are on you, when you’re sick there is no one to help, you can’t share the joy and excitement of whatever your child has just accomplished with anyone else in that moment, and no one loves your child as much as you do. The only advantage that I have experienced is that there is a peace and calm to the household, because there are no arguments about how things are to be in the household; all decisions are made by me.
What was your support structure like? Did family and friends have a major role in your life? I think the ONLY way to single parent is with a support network, whether they be family or friends. My family lived far away, so I was dependent on friends. I had difficulty asking for help, and still do, but you have to ask, because people are busy with their own lives.
What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Watching my son develop into a mature young man right in front of my eyes, laughing more than I would have living on my own, the love I feel for him, and enjoying all the kid activities.
Did you or your child encounter any bias or prejudice stemming from being a single parent? How did you handle it? The bias is mostly just social, in that couples find it difficult to hang out with singles for some reason, so my son and I are not part of the “network” around school or the neighborhood. I notice we don’t get invited to people’s homes for friendship reasons; it’s more just individual play dates. Single parents seem to hang out with single parents, which are few and far between where I live.
What tips would you have for other single parents? First and most important: gather a strong circle of friends around you, who are willing to commit to be part of you and your child’s life.
Did you study any literature on being a single parent? I have several books on the topic, including How to Turn Boys into Men Without a Man Around the House – a Single Mother’s Guide by Richard Bromfield and Cheryl Erwin.
1KidsMom
Single parent because: Divorce
Number of children: 1
Single parent age: 32
At what age did you become a single parent? 24
What were the biggest struggles you had as a parent? Balancing life activities and work was a struggle for me. I wanted to provide my child with every opportunity and to help him be successful, which meant working 40+ hours a week at my job and then continuing to work when I got home. There was very little “me” time.
Did you believe you were at an advantage or disadvantage as a single parent compared to co-parents? For me, being a single parent was an advantage. As a working mom and independent female I no longer was challenged for head of household. I was able to be the parent I wanted to be and to run my home according to my standards.
How did you balance your work/school/social life along with your role as a parent? Balancing my work/school (I was finishing up my BA at the time of my divorce)/social life was challenging. I have a very strong support system in my own Mom and she was always willing to step in when I needed her to.
What are some techniques you utilized for time management? I cannot promote goal setting enough. Being a teacher for at-risk youth, I was able to take skills I was giving my students and apply them to my own life. Set a goal – map out steps to get there – and (most importantly) put it into action. I also had notes all over my house – on my fridge, the mirror in my bathroom, etc. They were a constant reminder of where I wanted to go and how to get there.
What was your support structure like? I have a very strong family – especially my Mom. My Dad passed away when I was 17 and I am an only child, so needless to say my Mom and I spent a lot of time together. Did family and friends have a major role in your life? Family and friends have always played a major role in my life. They are always there when I need them – no matter what.
Did the other parent have a role in your child’s life? At the time of my divorce, my husband was in the military and lived in another state. After his release from active duty he was a private contractor in Iraq. This made being an “active parent” difficult. He did visit and have phone conversations, but was not truly around to play a role in the younger years. Now he is very active in our child’s life.
What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Where do I start? If I had to choose one thing it would be the way my children changes my perspective on life (I now have a daughter too). They are my peaceful silence from the chaos of the world.
Did you or your child encounter any bias or prejudice stemming from being a single parent? Not that I am aware of – or that I paid too much attention to. One thing my son did struggle with as a toddler was understanding the “father figure”. He would see other kids’ Dads but not have someone in his own life that he really connected with that way – he was too young to really understand the situation, but emotionally was effected.
How did you handle it? After I recognized this in him, I started putting up pictures of his father in our home. I also talked more with him about “Daddy”.
Did you experience any religious prejudice because you were divorced? How did you handle it? I had never been a victim of religious prejudice based on my marital status until recently. I grew up in an Assembly of God church where people were very forgiving and accepting. My Grandparents were one of the five founding families of that church – plus, for those that knew me and where I came from there was an understanding of the situation. More recently I have been involved in the Catholic religious system and I find that there is more judgment placed on me and my child because of my divorce – not necessarily by clergy, but by the members that I have associated with. Needless to say, I have not continued to attend.
What tips would you have for other single parents? Love your kids. Know that the situation that you are in is temporary and we all have the strength to make changes to improve our lives. If you need help, ask for it. There are so many organizations that can provide assistance if you do not have a strong support system. Make a plan, get organized, and go after your goals. Leading by example is by far the greatest lesson you can give your child(ren). Make peace with your ex. If he or she is not interested – then let go. The only person you can control is yourself.
Before you were a single parent did you have any preconceived ideas about single parents? Yes. If so, what were they? I was primarily raised in a single parent home. I knew that it took a lot of work and a lot of patience.
When you became a single parent were those ideas correct? Absolutely! How so? There were many late nights, sacrifices, and struggles to get to where I am.
Did you study any literature on being a single parent? I took a couple of parenting classes through the Washington State – which is required for divorce. The biggest message I got from those was love your kids unconditionally. I have read literature on parenting and taking courses on childhood development, but never studied “single parenthood” specifically.
Steve
Single parent because: Divorce
Number of children and ages: Girl=21 yrs, Twin boys 20 yrs.
Number of years as a single parent: 7
Single parent age: 50
At what age did you become a single parent? 43
What are the largest struggles you have as a parent? Ex wife is not supportive.
Do you believe you are at an advantage/disadvantage as a single parent compared to co-parents? It would be better with a good partner. As it was it is better for my relationship with the kids to be single.
How do you balance your work/school/social life along with your role as a parent? My kids are in college so it is easy to balance now. Earlier I had to make some sacrifices but I don’t regret anything.
What is your support structure like? My family was out of my state but emotionally they have been very supportive.
What is your favorite thing about being a parent? Watching my kids grow and develop has been very satisfying.
Have you experienced any religious prejudice because you are divorced? Have your children? I haven’t experienced any prejudice but I have felt self-imposed awkwardness at church functions. My children were always welcomed at church.
What are your tips for other single parents? I would encourage single parents to focus on what is best for the children.
Before you were a single parent did you have any preconceived ideas about single parents? Divorce has become so prevalent that single parenting has become common.
Ms. Martin
Single parent because: Divorce
Number of children: 1 child, 1 Adult Child
Single parent age: 50
At what age did you become a single parent? 36
What were the biggest struggles you had as a parent? Not seeing my kids every day is the worst part. Also, not always knowing what is going on in their lives when they are with the other parent. Not being part of the decision process when it comes to the kids when they are at the other parent’s house.
What are some techniques you utilized for time management? Always stuck to a schedule and had a calendar with all of the kids and my activities. I would not have survived without a calendar. At one point I was working full-time and going to school so I had help from the neighbors. Since I only had my kids 50% of the time, I would schedule any social activities the week that I didn’t have them.
Did the other parent have a role in your child’s life?Yes. We do 50/50.
What is your favorite thing about being a parent? I can’t imagine anything more enjoyable than going to my son’s sporting events. Seeing them so excited when they do well is the best. Children can make any simple event more enjoyable just by seeing the excitement through them. All holidays are so much more special when seen through the eyes of a child.
Did you or your child encounter any bias or prejudice stemming from being a single parent? How did you handle it? At first there were some parents that were uncomfortable with having their child spend the night at my house since they didn’t know my situation. I had to prove myself as a responsible trusting parent before they would consider having their child be at my house for extended periods of time.
What tips would you have for other single parents? Just know that there will be challenges with the other parent but keep it about what’s best for the kids and stay away from any power struggles.
Before you were a single parent did you have any preconceived ideas about single parents? If so, what were they? When you were a single parent were those ideas correct? How so? I just felt really sorry for the kids because I thought it would always affect them negatively. Now I know that some times it’s even better for the kids. My kids seem to like having their parents separated because they get twice as many gifts at holidays and birthdays. They also get extra attention because we both appreciate spending time with each other. It’s really hard not to spoil the kids when you share custody.
